24 September 2011

Thank You, Victoria's Secret, But...

Thank you, Victoria's Secret, for making a vast collection of clothing and cosmetics that make just about any woman on the face of the Earth feel sexy.  I only say "just about any woman" simply because I'm sure there's an 85-year-old woman out there who couldn't figure out why her rear didn't look any cuter or perkier when she tried wearing one of your G-strings underneath her muumuu.  As for me, I have frequented your store for your 5 for $25 cotton panties.  My skin has been indulged by your fragrant lotions.  And that little black dress I ordered from you to wear on an ultra romantic dinner while on my honeymoon?  I think it's safe to say that my husband enjoyed the scenery more than the meal.  You have most certainly made me feel sexy.

Thank you, too, for your reputation of hiring models free of silicone and liposuction.  At least, that is what I have been told time and again over the years.  Sure, your Angels have the measurements of lab-created Amazonians, and I know airbrushing is involved in the printing of your magazines…BUT the idea of models that are natural in their body parts helps to ebb my envy.  After all, how could you make money off of your push-up bras if your models had breasts that didn't need pushing up?  A "thanks" can be thrown out to Tyra Banks for when she admitted to the magic of the push-up for her southward-moving, au natural boobs.  Keep it real, girl.

But most importantly, thank you, Victoria's Secret, for your semi-annual sales so that those of us who hate to pay $50 for one bra can (for once) afford to buy as much sexy as we can handle because the price of the bra suddenly dropped to $15.  My wardrobe has benefitted from such sales, supplementing my work wear with comfy sweaters and my vacation wear with colorful tees.

So thank you, Victoria's Secret, for everything you have done for women (and their men) all over the planet.  A little sexy goes a long way.

But here's where my thanks hangs a question mark.  Everything you create is in the name of sexy, especially your line of lingerie.  In fact, I would bet that women have worn your leather and lace in an attempt to woo their husbands to their bedchambers, which later resulted in…

PREGNANCY!

That's right.  Woman makes a trip to your store, which leads to the purchase of a lacy teddy.  Woman wears lacy teddy, leading to the seduction of the husband.  Husband seduced.  Teddy gets thrown across the room.  Night gets all steamy.  And weeks later, there's a plus sign on an at-home pregnancy test.

So here comes Victoria's Secret with their line of maternity clothes to make pregnant women everywhere feel sexy despite their swollen ankles and bulging bellies.

*sigh*

Pipe dream.  This is where you duck out, Victoria's Secret, disappointing the preggos who have been ever so faithful to you before getting knocked up.  Why have you drawn the line with maternity wear?  Afraid of models with stretch marks?  Fear that some customers would run the other way, offended by a woman with child modeling a silky cami?

Allow me to bring up one of your current Angels, Miranda Kerr.  In our house, she is known as "Michael's girlfriend".  This is because (according to Michael) she is the only model to grace your magazine's pages without casting the look of a hungry praying mantis ready to feast on her lover's brains.  Some of your other models' attempts at making "bedroom eyes" in photos come off as scary rather than seductive.  Miranda Kerr (seen in the picture below) is most certainly sexy, but is so because she's so darn cute.  All of her photos radiate just how adorable she is.  Even I want to pinch her dimpled cheeks!  So when we noticed her disappearance from your magazine, Michael and I were left disheartened.  Why was our favorite VS model suddenly gone?

Cute as a button.
We found out Miranda had taken temporary leave from the life of modeling to--get this--HAVE A BABY.  She and her husband, Orlando Bloom, had a bouncing baby boy earlier in the summer.  And because she had filled out to grow her baby, she wasn't modeling for VS.

But just look at her with her pregnant belly!  She's still adorable.  She's obviously glowing.  She's loving her belly growing a baby.  And she's still sexy.

I'd buy maternity clothes from VS if Miranda was modeling them.
Victoria's Secret, do you realize how much you could bank on a line of maternity clothing?  I realize that you can't ask all of your current models to run out and get themselves pregnant for the sake of such attire, but I can't imagine the hiring process to be so difficult you couldn't find an "outsider" model.  Just like there are hot non-pregnant models, there are hot pregnant ones.  Miranda Kerr proves that theory to be true.  So if you did create maternity wear for your pregnant fans, we would stay true to you.  I have faith that you could create flowy dresses and light-weight peasant tops that would be beautiful and functional for a pregnant belly.  Even your maternity lingerie would be coveted by many.  Small boutiques in Hollywood make it.  You could, too!

And if you felt you had to have a separate magazine for belly-hugging apparel, we would be OK with that.  We promise not to take offense at advertisement segregation for the differing clothing types.  We just want to see you try your hand in the world of maternity.

Again, a huge thanks to you, Victoria's Secret, for making women everywhere feel sexy.  I simply ask that you not abandon the ones you helped get pregnant.  Nine months of receiving your magazines in the mail, knowing we couldn't possibly fit into anything you advertise (especially in your semi-annnual sale catalogues) is nothing but a cruel tease.

Oh, and thanks for bringing Miranda Kerr back after she had her baby.  We were thrilled to see her smiling face in the latest catalogue.  Life after baby does exist, and it can be sexy!


Post-baby, and still beautiful.



3 comments:

Jen Stanton said...

I never thought of that until I read this post. I think it would be wonderful if V.S. had a maternity line. Being pregnant has made me feel ALOT less sexy, though I do appreciate my wonderful husband who keeps telling me how hot and sexy I am. As much as I like the clothing at Motherhood Maternity, I definitely didn't see much of anything that screamed sexy. It sure would be nice to feel sexy while pregnant. :-D

ali awan said...

lovely awesome

ali awan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...